woah what, my dash has changed a little

the buttons for making posts have changed wat.

anyway

all i was going to say was

i’m just going to focus on my health now. i will try and be as sensible and rational as possible as much of the time as i can manage. malcolm x said that stumbling is not falling and yeah he was right. sometimes i do stumble and need to take some time out to rebuild myself again but that’s ok. giving myself a push sometimes is a good thing, but at the same time i have to be careful not to overwhelm myself and burn out because that just ends up setting me back even more.

there is nothing more important than my health, absolutely nothing. i should always have my health at the forefront of my mind. for many of you it probably sounds so alien because you dont need to think so much about it, your mental health anyway, it comes naturally and you take it for granted. which is understandable because i no doubt take other aspects of my health for granted such as idk my senses or the ability to walk or whatever. i never think about them i just take them for granted. but anyways yeah i just need to look after myself. i put too much pressure on myself and that makes me more ill. there is no point in trying to prioritise anything over my health because once i manage my health better, EVERYTHING else will become easier to deal with anyway, like things will slowly start falling into place. it could take me years and years to get to that point but like there is no other option, i will suffer worse and probably for ever if i dont do this. 

i know that people love me and want the best for me and i know sometimes i get pretty crazy and dont listen and snap and waste time but most of the time, contrary to popular belief, i am not like that. i work hard and make baby steps and try to pull through. most of the time i know what is best for my health, i really really do. this is through experience i guess. i’ve been living with this for a very very long time and nobody else knows it like i do. it is difficult to constantly have people on my back telling me what i should and shouldnt do, it’s more pressure and suffocates me especially at home. i try my best to remember that it’s only because they care and thats what they think is the best for me. thing is, they’re wrong. you’re all wrong. the vast majority of the time i actually know what is best for me a lot better than anyone else does, and i wish people could trust me on that one, because it really is true. 

you sometimes when your depression is really bad it’s true what stephen fry said to someone who wrote to him you know, sometimes it’s true that you just have to sit it out til you start to feel a little better and then you can make baby steps and start to sort things out again. sometimes you really do just need to sit it out for awhile, sometimes it really is impossible to do anything. srsly. i know like idk. ugh it’s weird because you cant understand so all these words are so empty. and it’s not like anyone will read all these random things i’ve been posting because theyre always so long. i’m bad at being concise when it comes to how i feel haha. 

oh well. i have done SOME things today:

- talked to samaritans

- did some TSR surfing lol

- tumbled

- showered and put emollient on and got changed

- ate lunch

- tidied my room a bit

- hoovered my room

- put my contacts in

- worked out

- washed and got changed again 

- talked to my dad on the phone

hmm yeah. not bad considering how fucking AWFUL i was this morning. i’m also gonna go to spanish later :) so i have to sort my hair and makeup out for that. i’m also gonna do my french translation thingy if i can find it. i might go for a walk after spanish idk. depends how i feel/if anyone wants to come. :’) what else…i guess i’ll pack my school bag too for tomorrow. 

ugh the horrible lethargy has come back again now, it was gone for a few hours before. i think it might be the vitamin d deficiency because thats one of the symptoms. on the other hand it could just be the fact that i slept poorly last night, or the depression, or maybe the fact that i’ve not been eating and/or drinking enough. idk.

anyway oh yeah i will also watch big fat gypsy weddings yayy :D love it. ughh feel so tired and sleepy waa.